Shadow Work: Integrating Your Shame

Have you ever struggled with intense shame? Shame is a visceral reaction of the human body serving as an internal push-away. On a feeling level, it usually manifests through flushing in the face, an aching in the chest area and the desire to feel very tiny or to disappear completely.

How is Shame Created?

The core shame imprints happen in early childhood. The reactions we received by our parents or caregivers helped us to learn about ourselves. Just like we don’t know how we look without a mirror, we learn who we are as a reflection of the reactions of our environment. Children do not really question this “reality mirror” yet. So, if we are met with criticism, disregard or disgusted looks for certain actions, we as children conclude that we are not wanted or not desired. We might conclude that we are bad. And, in order to survive, we “push ourselves away”. This is shame.

An example: A mother comes home and is incredibly angry. Her five year old daughter doesn’t understand yet that her mother behaves this way because she had a bad day at work. She concludes that it must be because she is a bad daughter. Why else would her mother be so angry with her?

EXERCISE TO INTEGRATE YOUR SHAME

Sit in a comfortable place and close your eyes. Start to breathe in a way that feels good to you. Notice how your body feels. Notice the emotions present in you.

Now ask your most shameful aspect to step forward. It helps to imagine a black canvas or a black room and just observe what appears in front of you. Don’t force a certain image, just observe what appears naturally. This part might look disgusting or pitiful to you. It might not even be human. Maybe it behaves strange. Whatever it is: Don’t push it away! Just observe your reaction.

Don’t be alarmed when you feel sentiments like disgust or even horror. This is perfectly normal. In fact, it is a reflection of how you felt treated as a child by certain reactions of your caregivers. My part looked like a woman with a lot of body hair and a grotesquely formed body. She felt very uncomfortable and disgusted by herself and wanted to hide very badly.

In order to connect with this part and gain empathy, ask it the following questions:

How old are you?
How do you feel?
What do you feel shamed for? Let the part know that the feeling is valid. Let it know that you do this exercise to connect with it, so it doesn’t have to be alone in life any longer.

It might be a good idea to write the answers down in a journal so you can integrate the part better.

To end the exercise envision enveloping the part with a warm golden light until its whole body is cushioned in a cozy bubble. Ask it what it needs and visualize meeting this need. It may want a hug or a cozy bed. Maybe it wants a friend to laugh with or beautiful clothes. Whatever it may be, give it to that part. When I asked my part what she needed, she expressed the wish for comfy clothes so she wouldn’t feel as exposed. She also longed for a caring father figure, where she was allowed to cry as long as she wanted to.

Doing this practice once is already very powerful. But if you want to you can repeat it more often. Observe how the part changes and gets healthier every time. Maybe a completely new part shows up. This means your being is ready to present to you another part for healing, like layers of an onion.

Meeting the most shamed aspects of your being and caretaking them, is one of the most powerful tools you’ve got on your road to self-acceptance and self-love. So, give it a try!