Frauke’s Diary #4: In my favor

Remember her, the inner child you used to be.

Only this morning I drove to work with tears on my face while trying to concentrate on the road. The triggered part in me believed that nothing will ever work to feel better – a hell on earth. And tonight, while I am writing these lines, I am sitting in bed feeling a new found bliss I never felt before…

Yesterday, for the first time in a while, I managed to dive deeply into my emotions and find relief. When we start to engage in emotional healing, it often happens that after opening the lid it behaves like a dam. The water that has been held back for so long pours out, mistakenly making us believe that trying to dissolve our pain actually makes it worse. So when I opened this lid yesterday, another trigger appeared before bedtime that I could not resolve. As a result, that „morning“ (it was 11 a.m. because I couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed) I had to struggle with the emotional hangover on my way to work.

But as much as it hurt, the Universe lend me a hand. I was alone in the office. I decided to take the opportunity to go back into this trigger. Simply ignoring the triggers until they fall back into my subconscious is no longer an option for me. If I just left things as they were, I would be stuck in emotional distress forever. A state that is so powerless and hopeless that it feels like I am suffocating. It was a question of life or death. And I choose life. And trust the countless souls who have walked this path before me and finally reached a place where life feels so much better. One foot in front of the other. The better it gets, the better it gets.

As I closed my eyes and moved through layers of trauma and walls of painful beliefs, I repeatedly reminded myself of my intention, the reason why. Recently I had this epiphany that intention is everything when it comes to inner work. When I sit down to „fix myself“, it doesn’t work, my being closes itself. When I sit down with the intention to be with my inner child, to save it and to end the neglect, then I am allowed to move through.

What emerged after about half an hour was a young Frauke in my grandmother’s living room. She felt invalidated, as if her feelings were wrong. I validated them, but it took a few layers before relief arrived. Then I offered her an angelic mother to take care of her, hug her and play with her on her lap. When she felt better and I wanted to remove her from the scene, a second split appeared (in traumatic events our consciousness splits). She seemed much smaller and hid next to the TV in the corner of the room. She wished for an angelic father, whose wings wrapped around her like walls, protecting her from the environment. Then both children were ready to leave the room.

The angels took the children and shot through the ceiling, into the sky until they were in the universe looking down on our Earth. The memory appeared in front of us like a little bubble, and the older girl took pleasure in bursting it. We entered a door to a safe place that I had designed in my mind to nurture all traumatized children. It is a beach at dawn, with dozens of stars in the night sky. On the beach there is a cottage with a cozy interior. The guardian angels cleaned the two girls and then, like a small family, they played cards together on the bed on the second floor, with a view to the sea – afterwards the girls took each others hands and jumped on the bed, laughing together.

What sounds like a kindergarten visualization, is what actually changes your emotional wellbeing and frequency for good. Unresolved trauma and unfilfilled emotional needs keep repeating in our lives like a skipping CD. For this reason, any kind of deep inner child work or presence processes are able to deal with the root of our suffering instead of doing symptom treatment.

When I opened my eyes again, I could feel so vividly how it was like as a child – how imagination and reality were not separate for me once. And so this picture made its way into existence:

When I got home from work I was triggered again (talk about opening the lid). Again, I sat down and went as deep as I could. This time it was deeply-rooted somatic shame. I couldn’t resolve it completely but I stayed present and this gave me a major relief. It was like I had touched deep parts of my consciousness for the very first time! I felt so seen.

The Universe gifted me with Synchronicities instantly after this deep healing work. And when I woke up the next morning, I felt a sense of peace and joy for the day I haven’t felt in a long time. I felt so supported.

Results of my Inner Child-/ Shadow Work:

• Massively (!) increased self-trust for repeatedly showing up for myself
• Regained feeling of childhood joy and the feeling of a positively re-written past
• Remembering what I loved as a child: For example, I loved meditative journeys and I loved Pegasus as it was a symbol of freedom for me.
• Remembering that reality and imagination used to be „one“ for me
• Integration = feeling of inner peace
• Not triggered anymore in the particular emotions I worked on = Relief

I am still coping a lot. But right here and now I make the conscious decision to do it consciously and leave shame out of the equation. Shame occurs when we hold ourselves up to standards we cannot (and perhaps should not) meet. Coping relieves the nervous system, so it’s quite understandable that I still use it because some of my inner parts are still in distress. Next week on Friday, I will have my first session with a completion process practitioner on this and I feel both nervous and excited.

Facing your pain in suffering, is one of the bravest acts of self-love. It’s not easy in the beginning, but it puts you back in touch with the bigger picture of life. The feeling of universal connection you had as a child. If it is possible to turn such a trigger with seemingly no escape into a feeling of hope in just one day – then you will never know what gifts life still has in store for you.

So, hang in there! (.. and finally ask for help if you need it! <- THIS is your sign haha)

Love, Frauke ♥