Embarrassment Around Sharing Work (Online)

Sometimes I look through my own website and I cringe. I cringe at the topics I write about, the way I present myself, the things I am interested in. In my head I have this person, it’s always someone different. Sometimes it is a person I know in real life, sometimes it’s someone I just know through online contacts. I visualize them looking through my content. How they think I am so pathetic. They know I don’t have my life together, and yet I write on here sharing and giving advice like I know it all. And then I just want to delete certain posts where I am specifically vulnerable.

I imagine an old friend from my elementary school finding this blog and sending it to all their friends ridiculing who I’ve become. I imagine someone confronting me with a blog post I wrote and humiliating me in front of others. Making jokes at my expense in front of others. Or just the talking – I know people talk badly about others. Sometimes this fact already is enough for me. Then I think of every time I talked bad about someone else and so I conclude I am not better, that I deserve it.

I am shocked writing this all out. This is a thought process that happens unconsciously, seemingly within seconds – but still on repeat. What gives me solace is knowing that many people have gone through the same thought spirals. The word „imposter syndrome“ was invented for a reason after all.

This is one of the reasons I also distanced myself from social media more. It seems like you give so much and get barely nothing back. This website here is different. I can potentially write about what I want and make it mine. Already doing this gives me so much more – a sense of self expression. Some people do that on social media and I admire them for it, but I need – well – a little bit more space ;-). Here, I can take a look at all the countries my visitors are coming from and it blows my mind. I don’t have a very engaged readership at this point but that is ok for me. I am mostly a quiet reader, lurer, stalker as well. And I know blogs are not THE thing anymore. People want quick fixes and quick answers for their google search entries. But I couldn’t stop writing out my thoughts even if I wanted to.

Of course it saddens me that society is going into this direction of fast consumption. It often makes the life of an artist much harder than it already is. Suddenly you have to be a business person. You can’t just write about something on your mind, everything has to have a value. I would love to be of value to others, I would love to make money from my own creations. But if I simply create with a business value in mind, nothing comes out. Every part of me screams: „No, we are doing this for ourselves!“

And so this post is that: Written for myself. Being honest and raw how I often feel frustrated and hopeless with the amount of progress (or lack thereof) I am making. Feeling like I won’t ever hack the system of significance and success. And it hurts. And that is alright.

Love (to me), Frauke ♥